Tonight i had a zillion friends come by for a little open house at my new place. It was so much fun to see faces that haven't been seen for so long - one in particular, my cousin. She cut her hair short and it looks real good on her. Some friends brought cookies, some brought plants, someone left a picture of a nude man and hung him up in the bathroom with a stickey note that said something about 'I didn't hang him - God did.' So - who am I to mess with that. If God put him there then there he will stay. Perhaps I'll make some paper clothes for him before my mother visits.
I am so fortunate to have so many great friends and family and neighbors... well, I shouldn't go there quite yet. I've only met one neighbor and they are full of them yelping cracker rat dogs. I'm a cat person. This could be a problem but until I actually get to know them I won't hold it against them. At least I'll try not to.
The sun is on my back once again. How great it feels to just be happy. No complaints. No gripes. No bitching today. Enjoy the small things life throws at you today. I will too. Good times.
Last week:
“I’ve just lost one of my dearest and closest friends. I’ve been asked to speak at her funeral by her brother who was sexually abusing her. I get there are problems in her life. I get there are situations where she doesn’t want to ‘hurt her family’ – so instead she decides to hurt everyone. That I don't get. Fuck her. Fuck him. The funeral is on Monday and I plan to expose the family secret and not spare the details that I know. Monday will also be her 21st birthday. There is so much about this situation that pisses me off.”
Yesterday – My eulogy started like this: Some people are mean. Some people have absolutely no respect for others. Some people hurt others just to watch them be in pain and to watch them suffer. Someone you should trust in desperate times of need should be your family. Unfortunately, some family members take advantage of these trusting situations and do the unthinkable to their siblings because they think they can get away with it. This is exactly what killed my dear friend, Rachel. She trusted her family. She relied on them. And you crazy fucks took her precious virtue and spit on it.
...Shortly after getting into this whole shtick, the Fuck Head Brian came up to the podium and cut me off. I let the rest of the funeral services go according to the agenda without causing a larger scene. I had several friends ask what was going on and I didn’t spare any details, including names, dates and places. I pray he burns himself to death in his own meth lab.
Today:
I get a call from Rachel and Brian’s mother. She acts stupid as if she had no idea what was going on and wanted to know why I didn’t say anything sooner and being very accusatory and playing a favorite blame shift game she always wins at. Somehow, now I’m the dick hole that killed her.
Minutes Ago:
Brian calls my cell phone. He starts to play this blame shift game and his ½ brother who doesn’t even live in this state and hasn’t for several years. Fuck him.
Tonight:
I’m going out with dumbass for Pizza. His motto in life is "Tequila Loves me even if you don’t". I think I’ll adopt that.
What is it about Suicide that so many people get their jollies from. Is this really something to be messing around with? I’d think not. I’m not built that way. I’ve never had the urge or temptation to kill myself. To kill others maybe (or mockingbirds) but not myself. I love my life. I love myself. I love what I do, I love my friends for who they are and I hate my friends for thinking the way they do. I have several friends and would actually go on to say that on any given second, I could pick up the phone and without dialing, someone would already be there because they were calling me. I like this about my life. I try to surround myself with the happy people. As happy people make me happy.
Depressing people are just that – depressing. Who wants to be around someone that makes them depressed? Not me. However, I will try to bring your spirits back up to the best of my abilities. BUT – Not being built that way myself, I don’t know what that is that makes you tick. I have been known to have ‘dropped’ some friends because I couldn’t take their sad, depressing life. I get to the point were I return their letters but not their calls. I feel bad about it, but honestly, I can’t handle that kind of pressure in my life. I don’t get it. Why can’t you just be happy for what you’ve got? There is always some stupid excuse…Money, wife, husband, depression, illness, anxiety, abuse, what someone else thinks, kids, ex’s, jobs… whatever.
So – Within the past 4 years of my life, I have lost more friends than I can count with one hand. I don’t mean lost like lost touch with, but lost as in, they have killed themselves. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand. I have been to more counseling sessions to deal with my issues than I care to discuss. Each time the suicide of my friends topic has been brought up, I am gently remind that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent it. I don’t know that I believe that.
I feel guilt for being happy.
I feel responsible for not trying.
I feel it’s my fault they weren’t happy enough to live.
I hate that I feel terrible over their problems. But then again, that’s what friends are for, right? They would listen to me if I had these problems, why can’t I listen to them when they are having problems?
Problems are one thing, but c’mon. Why so permanent?
Now what? I’ve just lost one of my dearest and closest friends. I’ve been asked to speak at her funeral by her brother who was sexually abusing her. I get there are problems in her life. I get there are situations where she doesn’t want to ‘hurt her family’ – so instead she decides to hurt everyone. That I don't get. Fuck her. Fuck him. The funeral is on Monday and I plan to expose the family secret and not spare the details that I know. Monday will also be her 21st birthday. There is so much about this situation that pisses me off.
Another close friend that took his life had blamed it on an illness. There are medications for illnesses. He knew the meds were helping, so why did he stop taking them? Nobody will ever know.
My girlfriend from college diagnosed herself as bi-polar. I didn’t know a lot about that type of illness until she decided she didn’t want to be ‘one of them’. She told me she was going to die in a car accident. She drove her car off a cliff. Unfortunately, that isn’t what killed her. In that scene as some would call an accident (which I know was on purpose) she had broken both her legs and could not get herself up the ridge or anywhere to find help. Only I knew what she was planning and by the time someone noticed she was gone, weeks passed.
She starved to death.
Two years ago, a family member of mine decided she didn’t want to be married anymore. This as she saw was the only option. I’ve heard of divorce. Apparently she had not.
Typing this out makes me very sad so I will stop this entry here and not go into details of some other friends. I will be sad for the moment I am typing this. Truth is, as soon as I am done, I won’t give it another though until someone else brings it up. I’d rather be happy.
I do bring this up to ask my friends and anyone who reads this to please be happy for what you have. There is a way around every situation, no matter how hopeless it seems at the moment.
I am preparing the eulogy for my friend. I hope I don’t disappoint her, but say everything she wanted to say.
How did this happen? I talked dumbass into driving across the world with me. OK, so it was really only the entire United States, but still. We started our journey in Beverly hills, CA. Where did we end up a week later? Rhode Island. Turkey will never be good enough for this kind of road trip again. Thankfully, I had someone to talk to. The real crappy part – we’re only ½ way done. Now we have to find our way back home. It is going to take us 4 days without any car troubles. What was I thinking?
